Of sweaty pants and PMS

On the onset let me apologize to all of you, to have deprived you from the opportunity of enjoying the fantastic shit that I write. While I had my own set of priorities and was not able to write on the platform and interact with the wonderful people on the blogosphere, I was writing privately, which remains unshared. I shall be sharing the pieces subsequently here as and when you feel constipated. (Some fans have written to me that, they feel constipated if they don’t read my shit. I am honoured to enjoy the trust and faith that you all have placed in my writing. And its heartening to see that you all trust me with such important stuff of your life. Its like “Shit for Shit makes the entire world happy".)

 Moreover the wonderful time that I have spent away from the blog world, made me think deeper about many things in general and some of them in particular. I sincerity believe that lesser mortals like you have an amazing opportunity to learn from the crap that I did for some time now.

 Some of you may be happy to know that I have managed to save enough money to buy Virtual-Real estate. So sooner this page will move to another domain, which will just be a big ego boost to my otherwise dead self-esteem. See you soon, till then happy reading.

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 P.S. Like everything else in my life the title of this post is also random. Dont use your fucking brains to decode it, I am certain that you don't have anything better to do, go get a life.


 P.P.S: Suruchi, Thou shalt find it all.

Pink Chuddies and Superman

Disclaimer: This post is not a work of fiction, resemblance to any person fat or thin, round or tall is not coincidental. If you find any resemblance between these characters and you, it is meant to offend and derogate you. This is an attempt to malign your image and insult you in public domain and should not be seen otherwise.

After thousands of e-mail and snail-mail request from my fans across the globe, I decided to write another post for enlightenment of the (wo)-mankind. Before I go any further, let me inform my fans and readers that all these months I was busy researching and decoding the algorithm of female mind, and to my surprise and your pleasure, I am almost done with my new research, that I am sure will be of immense help for Men across the universe {e.g. Husbands, Semi Husbands, Boyfriends, Semi Boyfriends, Aspiring Boyfriends, and M.B.As (Married but Available)}. I shall discuss the findings of the research in the subsequent posts, but before that let me thank my millions and zillions of fans for the love and support that they gave me during the days of my research.

In this post, I shall take you through the happenings of the months gone by. I was heartened to see fan-males…oopss..! I mean fan-mails in my inbox every day, most often from my female fans, the only thing I can say is; “I am touched and honoured”. Thank you all..!! Not only did they send me mails but also gifts and parcels. A female fan sent me some flowers; another girl sent me 32 kisses in a sealed envelope. Some female organizations which were offended by my previous Post Guy’s guide to dating, started a nationwide drive against me and had sent me a big box consisting of a few hundred Pink Chuddies!... (Not bad though! I don’t have to wash my Chuddies anymore, I can afford to use and throw).

In another shocking incident, one of my ‘Fan’ tried committing suicide, after being caught by the local police, he confessed that, without the dose of my cheap and nonsense writing for over three months, he did not see any relevance in his cheap life, so he wanted to end it.

Some of my esteemed fans had sent me small and mid-sized boxes full of onion. As they say, one should not talk about one’s wealth, nevertheless, with the stock of onion that I had, I actually became the richest Indian in the country for a day, as reported by ‘Forbes’. But as luck would have it, our politician could not take it, after some high end corporate –political lobbying on behalf of ‘Amkesh Mubani’ (after losing to me as the Richest Indian) was done by some ‘Rira Nadia’…The state chief minister ‘Dhila Sikshit’ and Agriculture minister ‘Parad Sawar’ jointly raided my house, after over 10 hours of interrogation and consultation from various national and international investigative agency, they were convinced that the onions indeed were sent to me as gift by my fans across the globe, but then they decided to book me for possessing assets disproportionate to my Income (yes, the 32 Kisses in the sealed envelope)…even after pleading not guilty and trying my best to convince them , they hinted to the simple fact that they could not possibly be oblivious to the fact that I had so many kisses under my possession, which is quite rare these days for somebody with one girlfriend. As a result I was put behind the bars; where I had to share my jail-cell with my idol and role model ‘Kuresh Salmadi’. (I always admired him for his taste in fineness; who else in India buys a roll of toilet paper for Rs. 5,000.00)

Having spent a few days in prison, finally when I got back, I was shattered and heartbroken to hear the news about my childhood hero ‘Superman’. Superman has been domesticated by his long time Girlfriend ‘Lois Joanne Lane’…In the shocking events of affairs, now Superman is fully domesticated by his girlfriend. Ever since my childhood days, I always admired Superman for his bravery, heroism and his clean pair of underwears. Alas, not any more, I hate you Lois Lane…!! You took my hero away.

Now the domestication means no saving the world business, only household chores like, laundry, dishes, cleaning, moping etc..

No more underwear over the pants business

Occasional appearances in ‘Superhero Alumni Meets’ but strictly with girlfriend prescribed dresses only

I pity Superman, I wish I could do something, alas! I can’t. However, that’s an important lesson for my male readers, stay guarder, and not fall for trap.

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P.S.: After a series of failure in almost everything I tried, I promise to stay frequent on my Blog.
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TankyLeaks

In a shocking revelation, a national news channel has unearthed the most bizarre and scandalous series of events last week. Since the people involved in these scandalous events were very powerful, they could manage to put a lid on the entire series of events. Reportedly the journalist ‘Sarkha Butt’ who covered these events across the length and breadth of the country has been paid a good deal to do a cover up. (A lifetime supply of cosmetics and some very expensive designer clothes of XXXXXL size.)

However an old friend of mine who is the co-owner of the website called ‘TankyLeaks’(which is specialized in leaking news from everywhere) has made these stories available to me so that I could enlighten my readers on the recent ongoing in the national and international circle.

Finally DJ aka Akki was found sporting a beard and a moustache in the millennium city. Insider’s sources suggest, DJ has been trying really hard for this for so many years. While talking to the media DJ thanked, his family, friends, his ‘Billu Barber’ and ‘Baba Jatashankar Maharaj’. It was Baba Jatashankar Maharaj, who gave him some rare herbs and liquid to help him grow his beard and moustache. Before this, DJ had seven sprouts of facial hair. DJ is really happy, so much so that he is taking some friends to ‘Kallan ka Dhaba’ for a tea treat. A friend on the condition of anonymity has confessed that this is the biggest treat DJ has ever offered till date. That suggests how happy he is with his new found success.

(DJ Sporting his new beard and a moustache)

In another interesting yet controversial event, three tourists were found taking a camel safari. ‘TankyLeaks’ reports that, the three boys were found riding a camel in an international festival in Rajasthan. The local police was clueless about the entire event until animal rights activist ‘Genka Mandhi’ sat on the indefinite hunger strike in the Parliament and the news made its way to the national headlines. ‘Genka Mandhi’ has demanded an apology from the government and a CBI probe into the matter. While interacting to the media, she expressed her disgust on the insensitivity and the cruelty on tourists’ part. She demanded the PM to take the moral responsibility and step down. She also demanded that the boys be taught the local language used by the camels in that particular region, so that they can say sorry to the camel. In the meanwhile, the Camel is a celebrity and rumoured to have signed a deal with a local channel for a reality show.

(Three tourist atop the Camel)

After 35 long years, the Gabbar and his Gang is finally back with a bang. Last fortnight, after much speculation and rumour, Gabbar Gang finally made an appearance in a movie screening in Mumbai. This time around Gabbar has done a lot of re-engineering and re-alignment in the corporate structure of his gang. In the new structure, a significant part of the share lies with Thakur and Radha (Thakur’s daughter in law), they also get a board seat each and hold two important portfolios. Thakur is the new head of investor’s relation while Radha is looking after the Hiring, training and learning function. However, Kaalia and Sambha do not see much change in their job function and core responsibilities.

(Left to right: Kaalia, Sambha, Gabbar and Radha, Thakur at the back )

When the entire country is grappling with ‘Islamic terror’ and ‘Saffron terror’, the home minister C Phidambaram is having sleepless nights with emergence of a new phenomenon in the homeland called ‘Gora Terror’. The Gora Gabbar Gang (GGG) is operational for many years now, in the suburbs of the capital city, only to be noticed last month, when ‘GGG’ looted three truck loads of ‘Paneer’ (cottage cheese). Apparently the leader of the group ‘Kaul Bhairawi’ is a Panner freak, so on her birthday the GGG members looted all the supply of Panner in the Capital City to gift her. Home ministry in an official dossier sent all the relevant information to the PMO, as the PM himself is closely monitoring the developments, because Paneer preparations happen to be Gonia Sandhi’s favourite as well.

(Kaul Bhairawi; the leader of Gora Gabbar Gang)

In another shocker, DJ’s love life is under the cloud. Apparently DJ was to be married to his fiancée late this year. However recent development in the relationship suggests that all is not well with DJ and his fiancée. In a complete shocking turn of events, DJ was found sleeping with an unidentified male in a hotel room during his official trips. Somehow, she got hold of the picture, and has been constantly questioning him about the same. DJ however says he is innocent and nothing really happened between him and that unidentified man that night in the hotel room. He also suggests that he is as pure as ‘Ganga’. However his fiancée is very furious over the issue and refutes his claims and calls him a cheat and fraud, also she said he is insulting ‘Ganga’ and its purity; he is as dirty as ‘Yamuna’.

(DJ on left, with the unidentified man in his hotel room)

‘TankyLeaks’ also leaked a photo of an unidentified young man peeing in the open. The news was rather downplayed and was under the wraps, until some journalists while debating on national news channel found that the unidentified young man had an uncanny resemblance to MJ aka Mahesh Jain. They also linked this incident to the rising water level in Yamuna and the situation of flood in Haryana and other parts of the country. Agriculture minister ‘Parad Sawar’ blamed his act in open for the rising prices of food, especially vegetables in the local market. Experts also link this matter to the recent draught in some parts of the country. They suggest, after he releases the toxic waste in open, which eventually depletes the ground water level thus resulting into the infertility of agricultural land. A CBI probe has been ordered into the matter. Mahesh however refutes the allegations and says it is all a conspiracy to malign his public image and integrity. Also he indicates, the picture is fabricated as the pose he takes is not the same as in the picture.

(Mahesh Jain lookalike releasing in the open)

‘Bimal’ aka ‘Bum’ got married recently. The much awaited marriage ceremony was a low key affair attended only by the Bride and the Groom. The marriage news was leaked by ‘Renu’ (Bimal’s domestic help). While talking to the media, she told that she did not know that Bimal got married, but for some days, after taking shower, he used to apply some 'Sindoor' (vermillion), also he has been wearing ‘Mangalsutra’ for some time now. Finally Bimal called a press conference and accepted that he is married now. ‘Renu’ has been awarded by a news channel for “Upcoming Talent in Journalism” for this sensational leak of the season.

(Mr. & Mrs. Bimal)

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P.S.  Taking digs at my friend through my blog, Priceless.